I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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