I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
