Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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