Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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