man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
