Taylor Swift is so right about you.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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