I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize