Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
