Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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