I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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