Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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