it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i think my tv is drunk
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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