I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize