I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
