So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
