Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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