I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
