How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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