please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
