True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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