I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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