he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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