dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
