I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
