theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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