Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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