She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
