So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
