Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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