What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
