I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize