My friends, they love my intelligence
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
