After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
