so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
