When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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