I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
