positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
