my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
it's great music for shaving your balls
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
