god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
