Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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