You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
