why didn't you poke me back
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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