I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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