oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Verdict: uncircumcised.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
