I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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