My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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