Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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