A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I love having hate sex.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
