No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
