wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I think I sprained my soul last night
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
