Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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