Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
