We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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