I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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