I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
We smell like vodka and hangover
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
