Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize