Ketchup is God's man juice
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
